I confess that fast food was my food of choice for many years.   I’d choose from the standards, McDonalds, Jack-in-the-Box, Carl’s Jr, Burger King, Der Wienerschnitzel, Taco Bell, In-n-Out, and Wendy’s.  But over the years, I’ve started exercising and treating my body with some dignity by feeding it more appropriately, with fast food being the exception to the rule now.  That being said, I miss all the crap I use to put in my body and I’d like to share some of my favorite stories and thoughts about fast food.

I have given up trying to order “my way” at Subway restaurants.  This is how it usually goes:

Me (enthusiatically): “I would like a six-inch tuna on whole wheat with American cheese not toasted.”
Employee:  “What size?”
Me (head tilted, eyebrows raised, really?): “Six inch.”
Employee: “Bread?”
Me (sternly), “Whole wheat.”
Employee: “What kind of cheese?”
Me (dryly): “American.”
Employee: “Would you like it toasted?”
Me (thoroughly defeated): “No.”

I have three theories:
a. All employees have a very short attention span.
b. Dulled by a lack of challenge, they resort to using a  mental circuit and can’t break it. It’s routine like riding a bike.
c. They don’t care.

Of course, there is that one possibility:
d. They just like to fuck with you.

When did Der Wienerschnitzel drop the “Der”?  I’m thinking it was when it was discovered that “Der” is the incorrect German article to use with Wienerschitzel. The correct form is “Das Wienerschizel.” Regardless, I’ll always refer to them as “The Der.”

Love how the sign had to tell people that Jack would speak to them.

I miss the actual Jack-in-the-Box you’d have to place your order with in the drive thru.  Was sort of creepy at first, but it grew on you.

I have to go with the Joe Pesci theory in Lethal Weapon 2, “They fuck you at the drive thru.”

I’ve never had a drive thru error in my favor.

I found that I have never had hot french fries at Wendy’s, their chili is lacking, they put mustard on their burgers (ick) but those frosties freakin’ rock!

Lenny Wiggle Eyes

The year was 1996, Sydney was two and half years old.  Toy Story had come out and was all the rage with Burger King handing out one of those toys with every kid’s meal.  They were really cute too!  As we collected them throughout the Fall and into the Winter, it became my future ex-husband’s quest to collect all of the series and present them to Sydney for Christmas that year.  I believe there were eight in all including Buzz, Woody, Slinky the dog, Hamm the pig, Bo Peep, the walking binoculars, alien & killer dog.   The first few were easy enough, but Chris got so obsessed with collecting the full set he literally drove over 75 miles for the kid’s meal after calling every Burger King in the area to pick up the final two.   His devotion to completing this quest is one of the many fond memories I have of him.

Syd loved them.  We still have most, if not all of them.  The binoculars are still on my bookshelves at home.  I looked it up and the set of Toy Story toys in plastic on Ebay are going for $75.00.  Toys out of plastic $18.99.  So all in all, a good investment.

I say give it another 20 years to go up in value.

I miss the salad bar at Carl’s Jr.

Sydney Rose has not eaten at McDonald’s since the fifth grade (nine years ago). Damn you Morgan Spurlock!

Actually, I kind of admire that about her.

I love Taco Bell, but I concede that it is not Mexican food.

My favorite fast food experience to this day was the day, just a few years ago, when a young teenage girl was standing outside the line of cars at McDonalds reading a script about their new salad hoping to entice customers into trying their new line.  She was extremely shy, barely looked you in the eye and her sentences were strewn with “ums” and pregnant pauses.  However, when it came to describing the dressing she clearly said, and I quote, “…and it comes with a delicious semen dressing.”

Clearly going for the word, “sesame” her gaff was immediately realized.

I sat there with a very calm look on my face, not altering my composure and not wanting to embarass her as she dropped arms, hung her head and I watched as her face turned several shades of red.  I could have laughed, or I could have said, “What the fuck!”  But instead I said calmly and matter of factly, “You know, I’m going to have to share this story later with my friends.”  With her head still lowered she nodded her head indicating she understood as she waved me through.

I did not order the salad.

Does anyone disagree that the Big Mac has shrunk over the years?

I love the line in Demolition Man, “All restaurants are Taco Bells!”  Had to do with the franchise wars years ago.  Brilliant!

Actual photo from that fateful day.

April 23, 2012, we did a fast food burger challenge for lunch one day at City Hall in engineering.  Five of us took off in five different directions to pick up a couple of burgers and fries.  We went to Carl’s Jr’s for a Famous Star, McDonald’s for their Quarter Pounder, at Burger King’s it was a Whopper,  for Wendy’s we got a Single and at Jack in the Box’s it was their standard Jumbo Jack.  The Big Five if you will.  All had cheese and came as it is traditionally prepared (no special requests).

Going in, I would have put my money on Carl’s Jr’s, but surprisingly, The Whopper from Burger King won.  I NEVER go there!

Pretty soon after we declared the winner, and feeling not so well, we all conceded, that the challenge was a really bad idea.  I don’t think I’ve ordered any of those hamburgers from any of these joints since!

During high school we would walk next door, and I’m pretty sure I had one of those small red burritos at Del Taco every day for lunch.  I use to love their hot sauce  which has been changed sometime in the past 30 years.  I’m pretty sure they changed their beans too. Now I’m sorry to say that their burritos don’t even make my top 100 list.

I grew up in Whittier where cruising Whittier Blvd was THE thing to do when you were a teenager.  Back when I was much younger, there was a designated place to park outside Bob’s Big Boy where car hops would come up and take your order and you could eat in your car.    And I believe they actually wore roller skates!

Bob’s Big Boy

A dozen or so years later I found myself working at Bob’s Big Boy on Beach Blvd working my way through college.  No rollerskates, however late night after we closed shop we would sometimes transform into the “Bobettes!”  Hiked up skirts, tied-up shirts and a dance routine as we cleaned our stations.

Since my most recent roadtrip up to Oregon with Sydney Rose, I think it’s a good rule to never eat in a franchise restaurant while on the road.  This way you get the local flavor, and could be in for a real treat!

Thanks for listening!